Not As I Once Was

Leaving home always comes with some ounce of anxiety for me.

As you get to know me more you will learn about my relationship with fear and anxiety. Relationships that once held me back in all facets of my life, have now become my propellers through it.

However, as I am preparing to leave for Cape Town, South Africa, I am noticing that the reason why the anxiety is showing up is not quite the same as it once was.

Four years ago, I left for college, holding tightly to my comfortable life. I mentally grasped onto every piece of its existence, begging for it to not fade away, and fearing the unknown. Fast forward to today, I have graduated from college, am on to a new adventure, and my greatest fear, the unknown, has become my closest friend. I am no longer a stranger to it and have made it my job to seek it out in life. The knots in my stomach and tightness in my shoulders I currently feel are not formed out of my uncertainty to move away from home, but from my certainty of it. 

It’s scary when you realize you have finally hit the age where the comfort of your adolescence no longer serves you. I know that this journey to South Africa is exactly where I am supposed to be, and I feel so much peace in that fact. However, outgrowing a place does not mean you have outgrown the people and all that they bring to your life. As much as I have grown to create a “home” in myself, there is always a longing in my heart to be near those who have shaped me.

Before moving to Cape Town for the next six months, I have made sure to prioritize time with family and friends. My days are filled with beach picnic with my nieces and nephew and camping trips with high school friends, sandwiched between long walks with my mom and plane rides to see my best friend. The people that make leaving the most difficult are my three, six, and eight year old nieces and nephew. One week away from them and they talk different, have a new obsession, and have moved up a shoe size. While I am gone they will be starting preschool, kindergarten, and second grade and by the time I see them again they will be moving on to the next. I feel ready for a this new adventure, but the hard truth of time slipping away creates a knot or two in my stomach.

I reflect on how these final moments with family and friends used to feel like standing on the edge of a cliff, preparing myself to fall. And now, I confidently step out into the unknown and know that the love of my friends and family, and the belief I have in myself, will be the bridge to carry me across. Even though I am unsure of what Cape Town will hold for me, it will not consume me with fear and anxiety. Instead, I will take one step at a time to get to the other side, just as I have done before.

I am not as I once was. And in six months, I know I will say that again.