A week ago, I came back from the US feeling strange. After 6 weeks in Honduras, returning to US living was startling, a contrast I had somewhat expected. I loved being with my family and enjoying the comforts of life, but I felt strangely guilty. What I didn’t expect was feeling out of place upon my return to Honduras. Shifting from culture to culture to culture in a matter of ten days took a toll on my mental state of being. Each place held people I loved, who know and love me in return, but I didn’t know where I fit. And when worry creeps in, we look down at our feet to find our place instead of fixing our eyes above where a place has already been made for us.
So I busied myself in work, which there is plenty of. And it was enough to keep me from asking the deep questions: am I leaning on myself or on You God? Am I trusting in my efforts or in Your provision here? I avoided this well, until midday Tuesday. God knew what I needed.
On a mission to complete a Western Union transaction with a new supplier in China, Nacho and I went to Choluteca. What we didn’t know was how to complete a Western Union transaction with a new supplier in China. Apparently, of the 10 Western Unions in the city, each is designated for certain countries, specified for sending or receiving, only for transactions below a certain amount, the list goes on. After the spending 2 hours on a goose chase, we landed at the third one where they worked with us for an hour before realizing the amount of the transaction was too large. So we tried two more, each of which required copies of paperwork we did not have. After 6 hours (delayed from a torrential down pour), we called it quits and went home empty handed. Most of this day had been spent sitting in the passenger seat looking out the window, asking God why this was so hard, why we couldn’t finish the task and move on. He showed me a wall that carried his affection- “I want to be the reason behind your smile.” I want to be the reason behind your efforts. I want to be the purpose behind all things. I want you to trust me.
And we went home empty handed, but I went home with a little more peace. It let me take on the next day’s attempt with a spirit of joy and gratitude. Though we spent another FULL work day completing this transaction among other errands, I could better enjoy the process. Laughing when the internet went down at the Western Union, which prompted us to find a ciber-café to print our proof of transaction report. Laughing when, upon our return, the clerk told us she was on an hour long break, to come back later. Nacho and I had an hour to kill, so we share pupusas, which is a special treat since we don’t live in the city. And it allllll worked out eventually. God used this to encourage trust, that things work out in His timing. I am seeing Him teach me this continually this week.
Thursday, I asked a friend to pray for my weekend, ‘cause I thought I would be alone at the Posada, bored with my thoughts. And I wasn’t sure I wanted that. So I began plans to work through the weekend, to get ahead.
Friday, again overwhelmed by the hours that lay ahead creating our new inventory system, I thought- I will ask if I can keep the shop key so I can work through the weekend, since I will be here and don’t have plans. But I couldn’t find Geiby all day to ask her. My plan to take matters into my own hands, thwarted. I even thought, there’s work I can do without the shop key, I will start that tomorrow.
But I woke up Saturday sick, forced to stay in bed most of the day. God knew I needed to slow down, to hear his voice and rest. To be at peace. So Sunday, I did that. Completely better than the day before, I relaxed. I watched Ethos Church’s streaming service, I talked with family, I read Captivating, I went to La Iglesia Las Palmas, I sat on the edge of the mountains and looked out for an hour. I was still. I built a fire that night and prayed for the people I loved. I felt peace. And then I slept. Today, I awoke feeling refreshed and ready to take on what this week brings.
Stress and inadequacy are not feelings we are made for. They creep in when we haven’t handed our work to The Lord and said, here let me do this for you. And once we let go of the tight grip we have on our lives, He floods us with peace and direction. He takes care of us. And I am ready for where He is taking us. Let’s go.