More and Less

This summer, my eyes were pried open – against my will – to some of the harsher realities of adulthood. I experienced unexpected loss, and gain, that has changed me permanently. In three short months, I have had to live between 6 states, experience housing insecurity, face unforseen relationship changes, cope with new health issues, and abruptly change jobs. These circumstances, though obviously suboptimal, allowed me to reconnect with family whom I have not seen in several years – I even got to meet some of my nieces and nephews for the first time! During this time, I have experienced a love that I never knew I was capable of receiving. I was privileged to have so many friends and family members reach out and share a guest room, a meal, and a warm hug, which I needed more than they (or I, honestly) could have realized. I have spent my entire life striving to be the one that others come to for help, and to never be the one that needed help. Now, I have learned that there is strength, not shame, in relying on other people when in need. 

While this certainly is not the cozy and warm foundation/launching pad that I had hoped to build for myself before departing for Australia, it is the situation I am in, and I know that there is a lot to be learned from it! In the next couple of days, I will be driving from North Carolina to California, then, just days later, I will begin my 3-flight and 27-hour travel itinerary to Warrawong, Australia, so – for better or worse – I will have plenty of time to reflect. Some things I have already gleaned are: you cannot outplan fate (this was a tough one for my very Type A self), routine is therapeutic but not always possible to maintain (and fixating on broken routines does more harm than good), things not working does not mean I failed, vulnerability strengthens (not weakens) the right relationships, and I am the luckiest person in the world because I have THE greatest people in my life. 

Overall, I think these experiences have allowed me to better understand myself and my role in the world. I am both stronger and weaker than I thought I was, I am both more and less capable than I thought I was, and I am both more and less ready for this next chapter than I thought I was. I have worked on a farm whose goal is sustainability and social impact before (shoutout to the lovely people at Shii Koeii Community Farm!! Miss you guys!!), but never in such a long term and integrated way. I am curious to see how and where I fit in at The Green Connect Farm. I am equal parts excited and terrified to “start over”. And I already miss my dog.

I know I will cringe when I look back at this in the future, but right now to 22-year-old-still-finding-my-place-in-the-world me, it feels important to include this:

• Song that sounds how I feel: “Yes I’m Changing” by Tame Impala

Also, I should let you all in on a silly little secret- I had originally planned to do a “poem or passage of the blog” which is basically just the slightly pretentious big sister to my current song of the blog (think of it as the Kat Stratford to my Bianca Stratford in Ten Things I Hate About You). To build a foundation of literary awareness, months ago, I started reading Sylvia Plath, Franz Kafka, Fyodor Dostoevsky, and Alexandre Dumas. As gut wrenching and thought provoking as many of the books, poems, and essays that I read were, I realized that I prefer reading for fun instead of reading to induce a deep sadness. Aaaaand for some reason, putting “Book that captures how I feel: Dungeon Crawler Carl” doesn’t quite feel like a good first blog send-off, so I had to adapt.